It’s All Embarrassing, Let it Roll

I have a proposal that I think could solve a lot of the problems we have here in the United States. Now it’s well-documented that inmates are having a tough time finding jobs after their incarceration, because nobody wants to hire a convict. It’s also no secret that American children are falling behind those of other countries academically, and parents can use all the help they can get to help shift their children’s eyes away from their devices and onto their homework. You show me a parent that has been able to get their children to do their homework without ever copping a ‘tude or casting some egregious eye rolls, and I’ll give you nothing in return, because that parent is lying.

But what if I told you there is a way that we can get our kids to shape up without having to lose our minds monitoring their progress? You’d be excited, yes? Well, I think I may have the solution: the inmate-ingrate work release program.

The Inmate-Ingrate Work Release Program

In the inmate-ingrate program, stressed out parents can apply online to match their child up with an inmate tutor. The state will connect your ingrate with one of their local inmates, and all you will have to do is drop your kid off at the inmate’s place of residence. Once connected, neither your child nor the inmate may leave the session until the kid completes ALL of their homework. Any of this BS where they say they are done, and then the next day their teacher emails asking why it hasn’t been turned in, will not be tolerated. If your kid tries to pull that crap, then they have to stay with their tutor overnight.

And don’t worry – if your inmate isn’t well-versed in the subject the child is studying, that’s ok, they can just stare at your child, giving your kid all the motivation they will need to get the hell out of there as fast as possible. As an added bonus, under such tutelage, kids will want to stay out of prison in the future, while the inmates will have developed adequate skills for gainful employment upon leaving their correctional institutions. Win-win. I think I’m on to something here.

The Middle School State of Affairs

My oldest children are now in middle school, those delightful years where suddenly everything that they used to think was cool or funny, is now potentially lame or embarrassing. It’s not even homework that they oppose, but the audacity of anyone, especially their parents, suggesting how they should run their lives. While you’re questioning them on why the school says their math homework is still overdue, they’re busy calculating how long they could live off Halloween candy if they decide to run away from home tonight. A year. Maybe two? More than enough time to find a job at least. Really, is it any wonder why the math homework hasn’t been turned in?

A Life of Embarrassment

But they can’t help it. Their minds and their bodies are going out of control right at the same time they just started developing some self-awareness. Bogged down with incredible thoughts that the world couldn’t possibly understand, they’re constantly embarrassed because they can’t remember what lame thing they might have said to who, and nothing in the world seems more important than managing how you are perceived at school – the epicenter of the known universe. Middle school was the worst, wasn’t it? Amazingly, some people choose to never leave it.

But embarrassment doesn’t end at middle school. Your whole life, embarrassment is nipping at your heels, trying to hunt you down. In every phase and every age, we are subject to scrutiny and judging eyes, and inevitably we are going to do something or say something that makes us feel stupid. Trying to escape embarrassment is like trying to escape covid: no matter how hard you try, if you plan to ever leave your house again, you are going to experience it. There’s no way around it—being alive is just flat out embarrassing. Some don’t even have to wait until middle school for the mortification to begin. Did any of you have a mother who entered you in fashion shows before you were big enough to defend yourself?

Just kill me. Kill me now.

What the Record Shows

I’ve had more than my fair share of embarrassment, some of my own willful making. There was that time I made up a high school fight song to the tune of ACDC’s Thunderstruck, which went over like a wet noodle in front of 500 kids. I didn’t even want to write it, but somehow, I ended up being the jackass having to sell it in front of the whole school. I also played an 8-song set on the drums for a 3-person band that had never rehearsed before, also in front of about 500 people. The silence from that audience was audible.

From work presentations in front of hundreds where I got so nervous I forgot what I was saying, to social events where I put my foot in my mouth at least a thousand times, this introvert forced himself into so many uncomfortable scenarios because I hoped that by shaking my own tree, I’d learn something about myself and something about life. Eventually, I did.

A Word to the Not-So-Wise

Since my kids are in middle school and not in a frame of mind to receive advice right now, I will enter it here in hopes that they someday receive it: you don’t have to go looking for embarrassment to learn something about yourself, but you shouldn’t waste time trying to avoid it either. Once you accept that everything has the potential to be embarrassing, it won’t bother you so much when it happens. It’s like when your parents tell you to learn to laugh at yourself (which I know is OH so annoying and cringey).

But when you finally do learn to laugh at yourself, it gets easier to let each embarrassing moment roll off your back. It takes years of practice, and perhaps, humiliation, but once you can fully embrace that life is embarrassing, you’ll no longer worry about what others think of you and you’ll be free to try whatever you want, prioritizing your happiness over other’s ridicule. Who knows, maybe you’ll even feel free enough to try your hand at something that has all the potential to be the most incredibly embarrassing and cringe-worthy thing ever, like starting a blog.