This week I managed to get back to the top of a mountain. It wasn’t the biggest mountain nor was it the smallest, but it was a mountain nonetheless.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to climb. The damage to my nervous system has made exercise impossible these last few years and the only thing I can really manage is walking. Sick and tired of my limitations, I took one of my sons on an overnight adventure in the White Mountains this past summer, which certainly pushed me beyond my limits. The only way I was able to manage all the pain was by taking massive amounts of cbd.
Now I’m off the cbd and making more progress with the pain and the spasms, but every minute of the day is a dance. It’s nearly impossible to predict when a new spasm is going to strike or what’s going to cause it, and the only way to protect myself from a painful episode is to stay perpetually and utterly calm. Making my way up Mount Monadnock the other day, I let my boys and their friend run ahead as they tried to catch up with family who had started up the trail before us. Not wanting to push myself too hard, I opted for a shortcut and paced myself, not knowing how far I’d get and not planning to make summit, even though once I’m on a mountain it’s hard to turn off the “must make summit” switch.
But making my own way and going my own pace allowed me to stay within myself. Not worrying about where I ended up or how far I got, I could breathe easy and avoid any potential stress that could activate my MCAS. Heading up the White Arrow Trail, I just took one step, then another, and before long I found myself in range of the summit. The realization that I was going to get to enjoy seeing my boys at the top was the last bit of encouragement I needed to get there. It was a great day.
There is no timetable for all of life’s problems. Each day we climb over the obstacles in our way, and we each have to go our own pace to get there. We are social creatures and heavily influenced by our surroundings, and it’s easy to get sucked into the pace of others, worrying that if you’re not keeping up, whether it’s at work, in life, or on a mountain, that you are a lesser person. That you are failing at life. But you know that’s not true and that wouldn’t even make sense unless all of us were identical twins with identical personalities and identical health profiles.
Just as you are the only one of you in this world, the obstacles you face are unique to your set of circumstances. We can all find ways to relate, and relating can be a very healthy thing to do, but when trying to relate makes you feel like you aren’t measuring up to others, then you need to recognize that the battles you face are individually tailored to you, and it’s ok to go at your own pace. It took me awhile to see that. But when I finally did, I learned that the only way forward was to take the steps that were right for me, in my own way, and in my own time. Looks like I’m making progress.
