Regular life has a lot of shit going on, doesn’t it? Too much really. And having a job and paying the bills is more than enough to deal with, but trying to parent in this digital age is an added burden I didn’t anticipate when I signed up for this whole parenting thing. Trying to manage my kids’ screentime is like mowing the grass and discovering that the lawn grew another foot while you were putting the mower back in the shed. There is no end to this circle of hell.
Even if computers didn’t exist, I’m still not sure I’d be able to adequately keep up with all of it. Soccer games, doc appointments, getting this kid here and that kid there, all while entertaining a never-ending list of grievances… I’m not equipped for this. I was designed to wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner and watch TV, and then do it again. But ever since my wife went back to work full-time and I’ve had to start working from home to help manage the gremlins, my head has been spinning.
Maybe it’s just me, but managing children on the homefront feels a lot like looking at Pinterest, Facebook or Twitter: there are some pretty images and it’s sometimes nice to look at, but it’s also really noisy and I can’t really make sense out of what’s going on. Why can’t parenting be more like Instagram, with simple, singular images to engage? A nice orderly stream of problems and events to consume one at a time?
It’s not like I invite life to be hectic either. I am the king of throwing stuff out, minimizing the amount of superfluous events and crap we have to attend, fully committed to making sure we all don’t someday end up getting committed. But even with that approach to life, every day I end up dropping the ball on something. Every day my wife tells me all the things I have to remember for the week and every day I ask her to just give me the day’s events because I can’t remember it all. I simply don’t have enough operating RAM.
There are too many distractions. Just when I finally get into a groove for work, I’ve got to go pick up my youngest from school. Then when we get back I’ve got to deal with some complaint or some contract. Then I’ll get distracted with another work emergency and realize I’m late to getting my other kid set up with his tutor. Or another one to their music lesson. Or another one to their practice. Or another one through their CCD lesson because that’s all remote now. Or another one some help with their homework. Or another one with more tech support. For the record, I don’t have more than four kids, it just feels that way.
After averting one crisis after another, I then take another call for work. Then there’s dinner, I think. Then, I don’t know. Then I’ll sit down on the couch at the end of the day and my wife will ask me if I remembered to take one of the kids to their doctor’s appointment and my eyes will go wide and I’ll think oh shit. I swear to her I never got the reminder but then I’ll find the email, buried under 200 emails from all of the really helpful messages my kids’ schools sent out, all of which I didn’t have the time to read.
All of this wouldn’t be so tough if I wasn’t trying to juggle life with a medical issue that has made it pretty hard to function these last four years. Pain can be very distracting and make it much harder to keep an eye on all of my to-do lists. But there is a silver lining to it.
It may sound kinda sick, but managing a chronic health disorder while trying to “do it all,” provides some clarity on what’s important at the end of the day. When I screw up yet another day of to-dos, I don’t beat myself up so much because I’m constantly reminded of how lucky I am to be alive in order to get the chance to screw stuff up. And with each passing day that the pain improves and I’m able to cope with the ins and outs of each day a little better, I can feel good about myself knowing that while I may not be kicking butt on the surface, I’ve moved mountains on the inside, ever-marching back towards a fully functioning body.
I suppose it gets easier for people who have endured life-threatening situations to not sweat the small stuff so much. To not punish themselves so much when they screw up the superfluous. You often hear about cancer survivors being happier after their battle because they feel more connected and appreciative of life than they ever had before. Having a singular mission brings everything into focus, allowing the individual to see what’s truly important so that they can live a more fulfilling life from this point going forward. Not necessarily a more fulfilling life than others, but a more fulfilling life relative to the one they were formerly living.
While I wouldn’t wish anybody to experience what I’ve experienced, I am starting to feel grateful for the singular mission of reclaiming my health. While there are days that it makes it harder to take care of regular life, it also helps me see what matters at the end of the day more clearly. After all, I’m still here. I still get a chance to smile. To laugh. To see my kids grow up. It’s beautiful. I no longer worry about what I’ve accomplished with the day or if I screwed anything up, but whether I know I’m doing everything I can to give my family the most of me that I can. That’s all that matters. And really, how can you not screw up all of this parenting stuff? Before all of this I may have beaten myself up about missing something I was supposed to do but now I just laugh it off and see if I can do better tomorrow. We all screw up and things could be a lot worse.
