Back in 2020 I signed up to do the Pan Mass Challenge. I wasn’t much of a biker, and I was in rough shape, health-wise, but I figured by setting a big goal for myself, I might be able to will myself to do it. To get my body to do things it wasn’t ready to do. It was a failed experiment, as I was unable to ride when the big day came, but I think the idea was right.
Last night I was going through my drawers, cleaning out clothes that I’ll never wear, when I stumbled upon the jersey I received for signing up (I still donated even though I wasn’t riding.) Maybe it’s time to let this one go, I thought. It wasn’t like this was the first time I debated getting rid of it. Over the five years it’s been sitting in the back of this one particular drawer, I’ve contemplated getting rid of it dozens of times. Probably more. But something always held me back.
Unfinished Business?
I think it may have been because it felt like I had unfinished business. I don’t like the idea of not completing something my mind set out to do, and I left the jersey in the drawer as a reminder. Or maybe I left it in there as motivation to keep trying to get back to the guy I was. I don’t really know. In some ways, I think I felt guilty for not reaching my goal, and I was holding onto it as some sort of penance.
But last night I decided enough is enough. While I may not have participated in that race, I’ve done so much to return my body to better physical shape, and in a manner more in line with my interests: I don’t enjoy sitting on a bike for too long—I’d much rather climb for eighteen miles up and down a bunch of mountains than sit for an hour on a bike. I’m weird like that.
Anyway, I thought I’d mention the jersey this morning because I couldn’t believe how long it’s been sitting in my drawer. Has it really been five years? Enough has happened now, I don’t need to look back on what never was. Perhaps looking back was always part of my problem. That rather than looking back on what was lost, I should have set my eyes on a new race. Hmm, maybe it’s time to pick up snowshoe racing again.
See ya!