When the Pain is Finally Gone

After living with pain for so long, it’s hard to imagine a day without it, but it feels like that day could be approaching soon. Its surreal to even think about. As I write this, another nerve in my back is burning, signaling that yet another stage of healing is about to be completed. Fingers crossed this is the big one.

But this is where it all gets tricky. With each stage of improvement, it’s really important that I don’t get too excited or do anything too differently. If I try to eat something new, or attempt a different exercise, or do anything different at all, it throws off the progression and causes more spasms up my spine. So the key is to stay calm and hold the line. Be cool Matt. BE COOL! I can’t stop wondering though: if the nerves do hold, and tomorrow is the day I actually do, finally, wake up without pain, what’s next? What am I going to do? What changes?

Come on nerves, don’t fail me now!

People always ask me what I’m going to eat first, once this is all over. See, everything except for vanilla ice cream has felt like murder going down my throat for the past three and a half years. This in turn has led to a lot of food fantasies. For the first year of my ordeal, I dreamt mightily about having a beer. God, could I use a drink! The second year, I thought about carrot cake. Like, a lot. The third year I would have settled for a vegetable of any kind. Even turnip. Man, I would have let Bear Grylls feed me bear poop if it made the pain stop. This fourth year though, I haven’t given it much thought. My kids are sticking with the carrot cake plan, so let’s go with that.

But what changes with the rest of my life? If I can eat carrot cake again, great, but I’ve learned to accept that there’s a lot I may never be able to eat again. It’s odd, but after spending so much time envying the world’s consumption, I’ve finally reached a point where I no longer think about it. The jealousy and the what-ifs and the worry have been beat out of me. I’m no longer angry or scared. I no longer feel guilty about my condition. It took a long time to get here, but I’m wanting for nothing anymore except to get to spend more time on earth with the people I love. It’s kind of beautiful, actually.

The blessing and curse of this whole experience is being forced to be ever-mindful. Like a rat in a maze, getting electrocuted every time it goes for the cheese, I’ve become super aware of how every outside influence effects my physical body. Any emotion other than total calm causes my nerves to actually hurt (how crazy is that?), sometimes making me feel like I’m living in a sadistic version of The Truman Show. And although I’ve never questioned the existence of God during this time, or his intentions by playing such a cruel joke, I’ve sure been angry with him. Or offended by him. Or something. There were many days that I started by waking up, looking in the mirror and saying “okay God, I don’t like you and you don’t like me, but let’s do this again anyway.” There were also days that I started off by saying “please God, if you make this go away, I’ll change for the better.”

But the rat maze, as awful as it has been, has done me a wonderful service. It’s taught me about the things that were bothering me and causing me too much stress. It’s taught me about what’s important and allowed me to dispel so many of my former concerns and desires. I no longer feel the need to accomplish something big in someone else’s eyes and no longer worry if I’ve done enough with the gift of life. I didn’t even realize those were some of my problems until I was forced to reflect 24/7.

This isn’t to say that I don’t lose patience with this at least once a day. I’m not dead inside, geesh. It’s just that now I finally feel free to simply enjoy what is available to me, without concern that I’m missing out on something else. I’ve lived a lot. I’ve missed out on a lot. It’s all good. I’m still here. Somehow, in some small way, I’m actually starting to become a little grateful for the experience, as sick as that sounds.

So then, what changes if the pain does go away tomorrow? Well, I suppose, I don’t have to wait until then. I’ve learned so much and feel like this experience has stripped me of all possible pretense, I don’t need to wait any longer. I’ve been unveiled, and there’s nothing left to do except go forth and live unabashedly. Heck, I’m already blogging, aren’t I? What’s more embarrassing than that? I guess the “what’s next” part has already begun.