So I’ve entered an embarrassing chapter in the evolution of the aging hiker: the need for a wide-brimmed hat. As my forties wind down, I’m trying to be good about getting checkups with the dermatologist, and they said it was time for me to upgrade my hat game. After a lifetime of outdoor adventuring, particularly on the ocean during my childhood, it looks like I have some concern areas I have to start protecting. I didn’t even get sunburned that much as a kid, but here we are. Stopping Father Time is like trying to stop a moving vehicle with your bare hands.
In addition to my new stupid hat, the doc insisted that I need to start wearing sunblock every day, regardless of weather. Seems aggressive, but okay. I’ll play along. I did what they asked, and if you’ve been following my writing for a while, you’ll know that if something weird could happen when Matt follows a doctor’s recommendation, it will.
Not being too choosy about which sunblock I used, I applied some 70SPF sunscreen to my face for a few days. The result? I had some sort of photoallergic reaction. Within a few days my nose developed three black stripes across the bridge and some more along my cheeks and forehead. They appeared like invisible ink after an hour in the sun. When I caught my reflection in the mirror, I blurted “What the hell?” How did this happen? I looked like a coal miner, only the smudges wouldn’t wipe off. Retracing my steps, I realized the only thing I did differently was introduce sunblock, just as the doctors instructed.
I ask you, do you ever feel like the universe, or at least doctors, are trying to kill you?
Anyway, something about the oils in the high-octane SPF were bad for me, so now my doc wants me using a mineral-based block. Namely, zinc. Yeah, zinc. When I heard that, I immediately thought of one of those old guys with bright white block on his nose and a big floppy safari hat. Is that who I’ve become? What’s next, Birkenstocks with socks on? Clip-on sunglasses hanging around my neck? A “Weekend at Bernie’s” T-shirt over a growing belly?
Fortunately, zinc has come a long way since the 1980s, and nowadays the stuff rubs in pretty well. So, I’m not a total embarrassment to my children yet. But there’s no hiding the big hat. If there’s a way to make it look cool, I don’t know about it yet, but I concede that it’s a good idea. Truth be told, I really don’t know why I never got one before. A fashionista I am not, and I’ve never really cared too much about what I wear, so I guess the only explanation is a lack of self-care: it just never occurred to me to get one before. Kind of ridiculous that it took a doctor’s orders for me to do so.
Unlike the sunblock, I’m fairly confident that nothing bad can happen to me from a hat, but I’ll let you know. If a doctor recommends it, there’s always a chance it could hurt me. But at the end of the day, I just want to be outside enjoying nature, doing my thing. If I have to dork it up with some zinc and a floppy hat to do so, so be it.
Actually, the more I think about it, maybe I’ll get the zinc that doesn’t rub in so I can have some fun and embarrass my kids after all.