Making Bets My Body Can’t Cash

Four weeks ago, adding yet another chapter to the great history of bad decisions that is my life, I made a bet with my wife and daughter that if my chronic nerve pain wasn’t healed in a week, I’d pay them $100. They wouldn’t even have to pay me if I won. Talk about giving myself a lose-lose proposition. What’s worse, the heartless devils actually took me up on it! At the end of the week I was out $200.

Undeterred, I doubled down and bet them again the following week. When two of my other children heard about this, naturally they rushed to their poor, helpless father’s defense and shamed the others for taking my money, right? No! They took one look at me, saw an easy target, and asked, “where do I sign up?” Only one child hasn’t taken me up on the bet so far. One sweet person who actually cares about his old man. What a guy. Actually, he’s a teenager. He is so dedicated to being left alone, I don’t even think he’s aware the bet is going on. Let’s not tell him.

After four weeks, I’m out a solid amount of cash, but I don’t care. I’d pay anything to be done with this pain. I’d be willing to do anything too. If you told me I had to spend the next year of my life in a Barney suit, at all times of the day — even to sleep — I’d do it. I’d even spend the whole year naked. Betting on myself as if I can will the nerve pain to stop, simply because I don’t want to lose cash to an eight-year-old, is kind of stupid. But what the hell, nothing else has worked, and being stupid has been a nice distraction.

In the coming weeks, I probably stand to lose several more hundred dollars. So that it’s not a total loss, I made a deal with the kids that they have to use the money to start a brokerage account. Well ok, not the eight-year-old, but the others. This way, maybe, these mooches will someday learn how to fund their own futures. Wait a second. I just realized that with a father making dumb bets like this, they’ve already figured out how they’re going to fund a lifetime spent eating fruit snacks on the couch, and playing video games on their iphones. Ugh, this was the worst idea ever! I’m teaching them nothing!

Oh well. At least they know how to spot a sucker when they see one, so I guess I’m doing something right. Maybe when I’m better, I can win my money back somehow…