Originally, this website was meant to be about nature, mountains, and exploring the great outdoors. But not long into that experiment, I was sidelined by a disorder in my central nervous system that put everything on hold. It’s been an eight-year journey to get back to where I want to be—hiking the mountains of New Hampshire again.
On my path to healing, I had to talk, and this served as a very helpful place to connect and let go of the pain. If you’re facing any sort of health struggle, I’m collecting these posts here to share, and hopefully, help.
Writing Through the Long Road Back
The Beauty of The Singular Mission
Regular life has a lot of shit going on, doesn’t it? Too much really. And having a job and paying the bills is more than enough to deal with, but trying to parent in this digital age is an added burden I didn’t anticipate…
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When All Vanity is Gone
I never thought myself guilty of vanity until I had my health taken away from me. Before all this drama with nerve damage, what people thought of me was not a major concern because I didn’t worry about other people’s standards, just my own. As long as I was living up to my standards, I was content.
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Positivity Can Get Old For Everyone Else
Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick. Tock. Tick… Tock.
The hours and days and years have dragged on. For 1356 days I’ve been living with electrifying pain in my esophagus and spine, making it impossible to eat without pain. Impossible to sleep laying down.
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Fight for the Smiles, Life Is Happening Now
Things go wrong in our lives and sometimes we wish we could just get away for awhile. Erase the past and get a redo. Take a timeout. Retreat. I know for me, chronic nerve pain has been a noose around my neck that has made me wave the white flag of retreat more than once.
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Where Can a Dad Get Some Steroids?
Okay, enough already. Can’t someone just blast me with a bunch of steroids to make this pain go away? I can tell there’s just this last bit of muscular tissue that won’t swell up and get strong enough to hold all the nerves in place – why can’t we just get a big old needle of giant juice and pump it into my back?
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A Year Sleeping On the Couch
No, my wife didn’t kick me out of the bedroom. I didn’t do anything wrong or anything like that. But for the last year, longer actually, I’ve had to sleep on the couch because of this nerve pain I’m dealing with.
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Shut Up Banana, I’m in Control
My battle with chronic pain has led me to try anything and everything for help. Acupuncture, elimination diets, massage therapy, physical therapy, mental therapy, pharmaceutical medications, herbal medications, CBD, melatonin, corticosteroids, you name it — none of them have solved the problem. Several of them even made the pain much, much worse. I’m looking at you acupuncture.
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Reclaiming the Old You or Building the New You?
Life can really throw some curveballs at you, can’t it? One minute you’re standing on a mountaintop and then the next, you’re cast down a deep, dark hole somewhere, wondering if you’ll ever see the light of day again. The speed with which this can happen is what makes a return to your former self feel so implausible.
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The Last Rotisserie Chicken on Earth
When I’m not eating ice cream, the one other food that has served me well during this prolonged battle with nerve pain, has been the rotisserie chicken. God bless the rotisserie chicken.
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Clawing Your Way Out of the Hole
You’re alone. You’ve been thrown down a deep dark hole somewhere and no one can find you. Nobody’s coming to help either. It’s not that they don’t want to or don’t care, it’s just that nobody knows how to solve the riddle of your predicament.
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Give it Your 1%
When you really hurt you don’t care much about the fun you’re missing out on. You don’t care about going out for a drink, or making plans, or really anything, because all of your attention is focused on getting through the next moment and trying to curb the pain. All-consuming pain makes everything else feel so trivial.
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The Point Is Not Longevity
Went to a covid vaccination site yesterday and have to say, I wasn’t really looking forward to it. I’m not an anti-vaxxer or anything, but living with a unique form of mast cell disease really gives you pause when introducing anything new into your body; you never know how your body’s going to react.
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I Shall Remake My Body
Edmund Morris wrote a book called The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt, which if you haven’t checked out, I highly recommend. It makes for a great audio book too. Anyway, expounding on Teddy’s early life, the book reveals that Teddy was a sickly child who battled debilitating asthma, and his family feared for his life.
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When the Pain is Finally Gone
After living with pain for so long, it’s hard to imagine a day without it, but it feels like that day could be approaching soon. Its surreal to even think about. As I write this, another nerve in my back is burning, signaling that yet another stage of healing is about to be completed. Fingers crossed this is the big one.
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Friendly’s Vanilla Ice Cream Saved My Life – Well, Sorta
We’ve all played the game. You’re on a desert island with no food and no water, but by some magic you are presented with one choice that could make all the difference: if you could have one food to eat for the rest of your life, what would it be? There’s only ever been one clear choice for me, and that’s ice cream. No question. Bar none.
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Making Bets My Body Can’t Cash
Four weeks ago, adding yet another chapter to the great history of bad decisions that is my life, I made a bet with my wife and daughter that if my chronic nerve pain wasn’t healed in a week, I’d pay them $100. They wouldn’t even have to pay me if I won. Talk about giving myself a lose-lose proposition.
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The Water is Tomorrow and Tomorrow is the Day
Every day for the last year I’ve been telling myself that tomorrow’s the day. Tomorrow’s the day that my body will heal and this will finally end. Tomorrow’s the day where I can get my old life back. Tomorrow’s the day where a new life is possible. And when tomorrow comes, and I’m greeted by another round of pain, I force myself to squelch the negative thoughts and fears about the possibility this will never end, because that is too unbearable to consider. So I repeat to myself, tomorrow’s the day.
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On My Last Nerve
It’s been a long time. Hard to believe how long. Could it really be three and a half years? 1267 days? That number doesn’t even seem real to me, but that’s how long it’s been since the day I went to the ER and this whole nightmare began.
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Battling Chronic Nerve Pain – Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
So I screwed up. Against my better judgment, I took my doctor’s advice and tried another med to combat the chronic nerve pain in my esophagus. I had been doing better lately without any meds at all, but couldn’t get over the hump, and was hoping one last try with some meds would get me there. Oops.
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The Hardest Mountain
I used to think I was pretty tough because I had climbed some big mountains and gone on some pretty wild adventures. I took on Grand Teton in a rainstorm that never let up. I conquered Kilimanjaro with altitude sickness that had me retching and unable to stomach food for 3 days.
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